Stress be goneThings lately just seem so pointless. I hate being lazy, I have so many ideas, so much stuff I want to finish but I just can't bring myself to doing them. I talk about doing things but never get round to it, that's my problem. I'm paranoid that I wont have enough time to finish them as well so I can never start something new. I want to draw, I want to create, I want to be able to be proud of who I am. Im looking forward to summer, maybe things will take a turn in my life and I'll finally be able to get back on my feet. I don't know why I've been this way the past half year but I'm starting to slowly realize whats been wrong with me. I've just been so uninspired, wondering what the point of everything is. Will my passion be able to get me anywhere in life apart from achieving self satisfaction? My parents are always on to me when I try talking to them about art saying that hardly anyone ever makes it. I think I can get somewhere though, partly because I believe with all my heart that it wont end until I give up. If anything I'm going to try harder to be a better artists and person. I want to create beautiful, exciting things that make people think... I believe in myself but I just wish more people did too so I wouldn't feel so alone all the time. I hate being alone, It's like that a lot at home at the moment partly because I live in the middle of knowhere so I only have Schooch, my cat to talk to. But cats can't talk back, they can only sit with you and listen. I should be grateful of that though.. I wish people would stop looking at me the way they do, just because they've heard things that are meant to be private or judge me for what I do. I don't think people look past their eyes these days, and see people for WHO they are not the way they dress or for the things they do. It angers me that people can assume so easily, it disgusts me actually. I realize its human nature but can't people take just a moment to look past it all? Sometimes I just want to scream out or burst out crying for the way things are but I know If I do my friends will worry.... That's another one of my big problems, I can't go a minute without thinking of other people and how they must feel. I wish to god that angels existed, well even if they do, mine died long ago. I used to pray a lot and wish and hope things would get better for me, then I stopped. I don't know what lies ahead of me and I'm frightened to think what it holds. I don't know where I'm going to go or what I'll do in a few years time. My grades re pretty low and I don't really have any practical skills so I have to worry if I'll be able to get a job.I know life isn't fair but I wish it would throw me a bit of a lifeline at the moment. I feel like I'm drowning in my own mind, I can't even be myself around my friends. Not my whole self at least. I can't be quiet and listen to the birds or the wind without soembody asking me "whats wrong". Just because I talk alot most of the time and am usually over affectionate doesn't mean thats who I am. I might make another Deviantart account so I can post things like this without my friends reading them. "why write it in the first place then?" you may ask. My answer is I don't know where else to blog.
School at the moment isn't so fun. Its hard work, really hard. I'm struggling to follow whats going on in biology and I'm scared I'm going to fail it and disappoint my father. I've disappointed him enough lately. I might leave at Christmas and move to Aberdeen. I need to escape all of this soon since I'm fed up with people saying "I've changed" Well news to all of them. YOU change. You may not realize it but you do, you learn more about yourself. You begin to SEE the world for what it really is. I can't hide away in fantasy lands anymore. I can't have fantasies for some reason and it hurts because even If I had an awful day I could just lie in my bed and suddenly become some RPG character fighting monsters and riding dragons. Is that part of growing up? Do you lose your soul? If that's so then I refuse to live past 21 since my brain will be fully developed by then and Ill be a " responsible adult". I just watched the Moulin Rouge and Satine's song really got to me. the lines
"one day I'll fly away
leave all this to yesterday"
Made me want to cry. The Moulin Rouge is such a sad movie. It's hilarious then heartbreakingly sad. Oh jeeze this is turning into one long journal. Well I've written everything that was on my mind for that moment so I'll bugger off and write a story...
If you read all of that then you deserve a medal
Hopeless
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"You have commited a crime in believe poptarts are better than toaster strudels >: "
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I enjoy the occasional cup of tea.
98% of deviants appear to have something like this written in their signature. If you think its incorrect and their numbers either inaccurate or invalid then write your own quip to post in said signature .
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"You have commited a crime in believe poptarts are better than toaster strudels >: "
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~sHiMmY.
NAO EET ISH MAI COOKIEE
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~sHiMmY.
NAO EET ISH MAI COOKIEE
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"All men kill the thing they hate, unless, of course, it kills them first." --James Thurber
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